Once Upon a Time...

I had an idea of what my life would be. A good adjective to describe my idea would be rigid. I had a very, very rigid idea of what my life would be. Sometimes I wanted it very badly. Other times it seemed like it would be awful and staid and predictable and soul-suckingly dull.

I couldn't tell you which it was because it didn't work out that way.

I spent some time being mad about it. I spent some time blaming certain people for it. I spent some time blaming myself for it. And all of that was justified and true, as well as false. I see that now. Facts remain the same but emotions swish and swirl and I am happy to be on the other side of that particular swishing and swirling.

For those of you that have stuck beside me through all my many, many, MANY ups and downs and back-and-forths, I am truly grateful. Some friends fall away when you start to become someone different. Others just love you, regardless. I am blessed with a lot of the latter and, to be honest, haven't spent too much time lamenting the former.

It's weird not knowing what your life will be when you have already lived 30 years of it. I feel like I should have it together by now. But I don't. And that is okay because what else can it be? Here is what I can say...

I will have one book PUBLISHED by the time I am 40. At least one. Because I am an awesome writer and it is what I was always meant to be. 

I will find a way to overcome my fibromyalgia to the point that I can be active again.

AND...

I will NOT waste anymore time worrying about what I could have, should have, would have done differently in the past. All that does is waste time in my present! 

Oh, and for the record... I am glad my life didn't go the way I thought it would. I'd have been very unhappy. I have nothing but gratitude in my heart for the confounding of those "dreams". Honestly.

30 ROCK!

I still have a little over 3 months until I am officially, GASP!, middle aged. I still look like I'm a little kid (so long as I keep my hair dyed) so I am not freaking out too much as far as the actual aging process is concerned. I do wish I had more to show for my 30 years on earth but I figure, fingers-crossed, that I have at least 30 more to make up for what is currently lacking.

One of my fears about myself, being that I am still single, was that I would still find the younger guys attractive, like some sad caricature of a woman unable to let go of the past. I say things like, "Zac Efron is awkwardly attractive" because, to me, he is a little kid (but he is actually 24, so WAY legal) and finding him attractive is awkward! But I don't have an actual crush on him. I just recognize his attractiveness. I also recognize his penchant for shlocky chick-flicks that make me want to gouge my eyes out just to stop being assaulted by the previews. Yeah.

So... the fear of being attracted to younger dudes that remind me of when I was a younger chick... has been proven invalid! About two months ago I met a kid that I will refer to as James Franco because he looked a lot like James Franco. A lot. And I happen to LOVE me some James Franco. He is wacky but intensely attractive and the fact that he is funny only makes me love him more. So here I am spending time (we were admitted to the hospital together and formed a coloring group to pass the time) with a GORGEOUS young man who was also surprisingly polite (he was 20 but his manners and kindness toward women was something that most 40 year old men don't seem to be capable of), hilarious, fun to talk to and easy to talk to about the more serious stuff of life as well. Perfect crush material.

And I felt NADA!

Well, not nada, I felt like I desperately wanted him to fall in love with Becca so that he could be in our family because I just adored him to pieces but in the way you would adore your little brother. If ever there was a way-too-young for me kid that I was going to develop a crush on it would have been him. Instead, I just wanted to give him lots of hugs and find a place for him in our family pictures.

This might seem, okay it actually is, a ridiculous thing to have cared about at all but it was always in the back of my mind... that wondering. Not that women can't have wonderful relationships with younger men... blah, blah, blah... I just kind of don't want to be one of them.

You know what almost-30-year-old-Jen is attracted to? Laugh lines around the eyes, some stubble, and skin that isn't completely flawless. I like a guy that cares enough about what he looks like to brush his teeth, comb his hair and match his clothes on a basic level but mostly, I like a guy that has a sense of humor about life and himself, a guy that cracks a book now and then, and a guy that is respectful of my space and my mind, meaning he gives me my alone time AND doesn't spend our time together trying to "teach" me. Ugh!

And, apparently, almost-30-year-Jen likes 'em in her age range. Oh, yeah.

UGH! and WHEW!

UGH!

Other people STRESS ME OUT! I want to help and I want to listen and I want to fix things but I can't. And most people don't really want you to. They just want you to agree with their grievances. Which is fine. ON OCCASION. I just need to learn how to listen without getting attached to the problem. Anyone know how to accomplish that? It would really save me a lot of headaches. Literally. Stress, even for other people, triggers my migraines. How do you tell people this? Um, I love you but don't tell me your problems they make me sick... yeah, that will go over well.

WHEW!

I am very blessed to have Justin and Stephanie in my life. They listen and do their best to understand and even when they don't quite get it they still take my word for it when I tell them the things I need. Stephanie is like my PROTECTOR and she tells me when she notices what things happened in the day that may have contributed to my getting sicker. I started to talk to her about a particular situation the other night but she cut me off to tell me that she already had a plan to deal with it. And her plan was exactly what I was going to ask for. I do not think that in order for the people in our lives to truly love us and mean us well they should be able to read our minds. I am perfectly happy to ask for what I need. But it feels so amazing for someone to just understand on their own every once in a while.

THANK YOU SISTER!

Salutations, Little Pig...

I rescued a pig! Here's how...

Sophie (the 15 month old baby) stalked me up the stairs to my room (which was her room until three days ago) so I generously and magnanimously allowed her to come into the room and then, with even greater love and devotion, I picked up said child and let her look out the window. She loves to look out the window.

As we were looking out of the window I noticed the most terrible squealing sound. It sounded like a small, angry pig. So I looked for weird birds in trees or small babies in yards. At one point I thought I found two sparring turtles, which turned out to be large ping-pong looking paddles... also turtles don't squeal but I was in a tizzy trying to figure out what the sound was so my powers of perception and discrimination were lacking.

Finally, I looked straight down and saw a teeny, tiny black pig in a rectangle of a pen. I was confused by this having never seen a pig at the neighbor's house before but I just moved back and it has been seven months so who knows. I also noticed that this small, plastic pen was not anchored to the ground and the angry, teeny pig was ramming into it and making it move.

In response I grabbed a confused Sophie and took off downstairs to ask Stephanie if the neighbors had had the pig for a while. Maybe he rammed into the pen all the time and I just didn't know. Stephanie seemed just as confused about the pig and we ran upstairs to check it out.

And the pig had escaped.

He was still in the yard and Steph saw him so we took off running to save the pig.

Here is what I have learned about this piggy:

His name is Winston.

He does not like being chased, held, or touched.

He feels safe when cornered between a motorcycle, a set of concrete steps and the side of a house.

Anyway, we didn't manage to pick him up but we did manage to alert the neighbors and assist in corralling him into the backyard. He then squealed well into the night and I had to wrestle with whether or not I regretted my decision to save him.

I decided I did not regret it, but it was a close call.

Fibromyalgia Beat Down!

I am going to be posting a weekly update of my new and improved health regimen at www.familyhealthynaturally.blogspot.com since I am up here trying to get HEALTHY! As in fighting back against my fibromyalgia because I am sick of sleeping in bed and being in pain.

This plan entails daily ten minute walks, which are supposed to be good for my muscle strength even though it hurts like a mother. I have been assured that it will get better over time.

I will also be eating organic products and a lot more veggies and fruits and whole grains. At some point I will be doing this super awesome 10-day juice fast that I am excited about. The juice is made from all organic produce and is packed with micro-nutrients. It is not a lose-weight-fast it is a pump-your-body-with-real-nutrition-fast.

I will also be trying to ween myself off of all the medications I am on, most of which just mask my pain, and turning to more natural sources for pain management and rehabilitation. As of now this includes using all natural oils to fight those aches and pains I encounter. I can attest that I have had some great success so far. I will also be taking all natural supplements such as pro-biotics to fight my stomach issues and I will be cleansing my body of the excess yeast that is contributing a great deal to my problems.

I know that all sounds hippie-dippy but as someone that has tried chemical medications for YEARS I can assure you that these methods are much preferred, much gentler on the body, and yield results faster and more consistently. I am not rejecting all my medications, nor am I shunning my doctors. I am just looking for a better way to live because what I have been doing for the past year is not living, it has been existing. And while I don't want to stop existing, I sure would love to exist in a happier, healthier state of body and mind.

Therefore, if you are so inclined, you can check out my progress at the link written above. It is also a great site for all health inquiries. There are posts about eating well, about alternative medicine options to keep you and your family healthy, and exercise posts. Otherwise, you can visit me here, at my blog, and read about my travails in writing, pondering, and living, as always. Thanks! Love to you all...

And Just Like That... She Was Gone...

Oh, hi.

Yes, I decided to not exist for a while. Sorry.

Being back in Pot Hole, as one of my childhood friends so loving refers to our home town, has been, well, pretty much what you'd expect from a town that has inhabitants referring to it as Pot Hole. It's not that town's fault. It's hard starting over some place old. Starting some place new is a cinch, for me anyway. Being new is intoxicating. I miss my Provo life (pre-fibro attack) and I miss my Provo friends and, as conceited or misguided as this may seem, I miss the person that my friends there saw. It was nice to, for a while, have a whole group of people that didn't know the bad parts. It helped me realize that there are definitely good parts that are worth acknowledging, even though it is only to myself.

SO... I have been ill. SHOCK! I have been pretty depressed. SHOCK! And I have been not handling it well. I was super nauseated and unable to sleep for a 38 hour period and this occurred directly after a mental breakdown wherein I informed my mom and sister that I didn't know what the point of my life was (don't worry, I believe in an afterlife so I know killing myself is not a viable option).

I was miserable.

It was around 2 or 3 am and I was soooo tired (and still 16-17 hours away from sleep, unbeknownst to me) but I was sitting in the living room with the television on so that I could at least try and be distracted when I suddenly heard Sting playing a lute and singing Fields of Gold, which is a song like a memory to me. It just transports me. I couldn't tell you why exactly but I love it. And then I felt the overwhelming happiness and hope that art sometimes affords us. I just started to cry and I was so happy to be alive. To be able to hear such a beautiful song and to feel such impenetrable joy for those three minutes.

For all there is in life to lament, for all the pain, betrayal, and lack we may experience there is the exact opposite waiting for us somewhere. There is peace and trust and abundance. We just have to remember that when it gets dark and lonely.

GOODBYE BROTHER

This is blog post that Justin put up after I left. I thought that my Justin Draper link was to a defunct site so I hadn't checked it until today when I decided to randomly click on it and see what happened.

What happened was; I CRIED!

Love you Justin and thanks for loving me as your sister;

Goodbye Sister
As you drove away in the car, the kids and I waived goodbye until you were out of sight. I turned around and Caleb said, "Mommy and Jen going to the store." That's when I started crying. "No, Jen is going back home to where her mommy and daddy live. She won't be living with us anymore."

We went upstairs and stood in your room. I told them you were gone. I don't think they understand yet, but they will feel it soon. Steph and I already do.

Jen, you have been a blessing on our home. It helped my wife to have family here. It helped my children to see their aunt and interact with her. It helped me to learn more about myself and others.

Whatever you may think about how I feel and what your influence was this past year, know that it was of God and a strength to all of us. You are a wonderful person and though we know you are doing the right thing by going back to Tucson, we will miss you. Thank you for being a part of our home and our lives.

Your brother

GOOD NEWS!

Tab gets more time with Beto AND we have supervisors that will allow us to be in our homes with him, that will allow him to be with his cousins again and that won't back out of visits because they are pouting and don't comprehend the law or Tab's rights as a mother! It is great. It is just so amazing after months of professionals making decisions based on half-truths and whole-lies told by those that have NO CLUE about what happened because they were ABSENT for the first year of B's life, by their own selfish choice, to have a judge that saw the truth, listened to both sides and made her decision accordingly. We all feel like the vise that has been gripping our hearts since September 4th is finally loosening somewhat. I can't wait to see my nephew without the negative shadow of certain people putting a damper on it! And Beto will be SO HAPPY to be with his family again. Ryleigh already has a count-down calender going for when she gets to see B and Mariah, Bisa, Wynter and Jett can finally actually see him instead of just asking about him all the time and feeling confused. FINALLY A HAPPY DAY!

Kurt and Tina

I have something shocking to reveal and, of course, I chose the Internet as the avenue for its revelation...

I want to be a writer.

Please breath. No heart attacks or strokes, I have enough on my conscience, believe me. Okay, Okay, I guess that wasn't a real revelation unless you have never spoken to me before but if that is the case I am not sure why you are reading this. Hmmm. Food for thought.

I have a few things going against me as far as turning my love of writing (particularly of writing TV show and novels). I am a bit older (not old; older) to be starting a career. I don't have anything that constitutes "professional" training. I don't have any real connections. And I have a long history of dreaming big and quitting early.

But that's okay. Because I love writing and I know that I am good at it. I am better than average. I am better than above average. I am one of the best writers you know, that is how confident I am, because I don't even know all the people you know. But I know I am one of the best writers in the group. And you know I'm entertaining!

My heroes of the moment are Kurt Sutter and Tina Fey. They are both showrunners (Kurt for Sons of Anarchy on FX and Tina for 30 Rock on NBC) and I think they are both brunettes that wear glasses. And that is where their similarities end. Tina Fey started out at Second City the famous Chicago improv club. She started young and she worked her way through the comedy television ranks as a writer for SNL and later as the head writer (which is amazing - women comedy writers are in the minority). Now she is the showrunner for 30 Rock, which is hysterical. I am inspired by her humour, her drive and her intelligence. And her glasses, because I rock them too and I like them!

Kurt Sutter is a very different story. He didn't even try to be a TV writer until he was older. He spent a lot of time floundering in different jobs and being wasted. I know nothing about that... wink, winker. He finally realized that writing was what helped him channel all his "stuff" in a healthy way. He doesn't compromise, he writes what he wishes he was watching and he's conquered his demons and uses them to his advantage. That is my greatest hope for myself. I have plenty of demons, after all.

I think that having role models is important. You shouldn't compare yourself to someone else but having a goal and examples of a person that overcame some of the same obstacles I have faced is almost healing. It fills me with hope and drive and excitement for the future.

So thanks Kurt and Tina. You rock. You 30 Rock.

Thematic Elements

I love a good drama. I love a world that is like mine but slightly off-kilter, a world with its own set of rules. My current favorites are House, Sons of Anarchy, Dexter and The Vampire Diaries. And, yes, all of the main characters have, how can we say it nicely? - personality problems. But that is what is interesting. How is House going to solve this case while insulting everyone within earshot? How is Damon going to convince Elena that he loves her while still enjoying the occasional sip of sorority girl? That is just good viewing. The mythology of these worlds and all of the intense conflict that follows is what keeps me tuning in.

I hate a good drama in my real life. Sure, if this craziness was being viewed by a television audience everyone would be on our side and know that we are in the right and that we are the good people. It would just be a matter of which episode will set everything right. Being in the middle of it SUCKS. Not being the author SUCKS. Not having my nephew SUCKS.

My hope for this year is that all of the new drama I experience is confined to the television screen.

Fighting Kindle, Question Mark...

I was vehemently opposed to these electronic reading devices. I might still be. I haven't decided 100%.

I love the heft of a book in my hands. I hate the older, lesser quality print jobs that leave black ink on my thumbs forefingers. I love going book shopping. I hate not finding the book I want and having to wait two weeks for it to arrive because I have to order it online. I love some of the beautiful cover art on some of my favorite novels. I hate some of the tacky cover art on some of my favorite novels. I love having all my books on shelves, they are beautiful. I have packing and movies all my books, they are heavy and cumbersome in transit.

Here is the thing that has made me go "hmmm..." (things that make hmm, hmm, hmm - old school song flashback!);

Jackie told me that you can scroll over a word you don't know and your Kindle will give you the definition. That is the coolest thing I have ever heard even though it comes from what I once deemed a source of evil.

Also, how cool is it to go, "I want to read this book." and then just download it. I could be reading one of the three books I found at the library today (and couldn't check out because I am moving and should be packing instead of reading and, ahem, writing blogs).

My question is... what happens when it breaks? Obviously the books are some kind of file that can be transferred so can they be saved on your desktop hard drive so when one kindle breaks you can load them again on another. I am sure you can, because it would be stupid otherwise. Who wants to lose their personal library every few years?

Yes, I call my books my personal library. And when I have my own house I will actually have a room that is the library that only houses books, comfy chairs and dishes filled with awesome bookmarks so you can always save your place in style.

Anyway, should I keep hating Kindle?

I Have No Clever Title Ideas for this Post...

Incase you were inclined to inquire... I love my current blog background. I believe it will be the basis for my kitchen, when I have a kitchen someday.

Moving back to the place where heat tries to win your affection with persistence. I am not looking forward to that. I am also super sad every time I look at Caleb, Sadie or Sophie. I have been hugging them A LOT. I am starting to think I was right before when I would move but not really try and make friends because now moving back to where my friends and family are means I have to leave my friends and family here. Wah-wah!

Melinda had her baby, Joslyn Joy, and I am glad that I am at least going to meet the munchkin. Rachel had her baby, Lillian Mae, and I am super excited to see that kiddo when I return to the desert.

I know it is the right thing, though, and I am excited to see everyone and I am super grateful for my surprise early trip so I can be there for Christmas. This is obvioulsy a middle of the night ramble. Sorry. I have been a sicko and I am in too much pain to sleep but I am too tired to stay awake unless I am actively doing something. Like blogging nonsense!

Speculative...

Part of building my writing portfolio includes having a spec script written for the three main types of TV shows that are on the air. This means I need to write a script for an already airing hour-long drama, half-hour comedy and half-hour sitcom. Hour-long? Check. Half-hour comedy? Check. Half-hour sitcom...

I don't watch any of the sitcoms that are on right now. I never really have liked sitcoms other than Friends and That 70's Show and both are (lamentably) off the air. I hate the lame and obvious joke setups. Laugh tracks and studio audiences irritate me. Overall, I just don't find them that funny.

But I need to pick a show to watch all the seasons of (to get the tone and back story right) and write a spec. I decided to look up the highest rated sitcoms and pick one of those to do. Guess what they are? The Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother and Two and a Half Men. REALLY? Two and a Half Men is appalling to me. It makes me like Duckie a lot less. How I Met Your Mother... ugh. Cloying. The Big Bang Theory... I don't hate this show. I don't feel an overwhelming need to keep up with it but I could watch the past seasons and not want to stab myself.

Problem solved, right? WRONG! How am I supposed to write a spec script for that show? I am no scientist. I am dork but not in the way those guys are. Hmmm... idea. Maybe I can write a spec about them being out of their element in a literary world... I love when I get on here to rant and end up with a decent idea. Sweet.

Okay, problem solved.

Shut Eye...

I never have been able to fall asleep with easily without medicinal assistance. And even with assistance it still takes a while and sometimes the medicine doesn't help at all. And when I say never I literally mean that even as a baby I had a hard time falling and staying asleep, especially at night.

I have tried everything. Anything you think of I have attempted. The only thing I haven't done yet is have a sleep study conducted but, to be honest, I really doubt that I will be able to fall asleep with those things attached to my scalp if I can't fall asleep in my own bed when I am dead tired.

Chronic insomnia is a sign of depression, anxiety and fibro so I hit the no-sleep trifecta. It's not all bad. I get the computer (and hulu or blinkx) all to myself if I want it. Yep, that's the only perk I can think of about my rearranged sleep schedule.

Apparently it is pretty weird for your body to reverse cycle so drastically. I have always been a 3-10am sleeper and I can get away with it because I freelance but lately it has been more like 9am-5pm, which is ridiculous. I miss being a real person. So, I will probably have to try a sleep study and get checked out to make sure there is nothing seriously wrong. I don't think there is but, hey, I watch House and you are always supposed to tell your doctor about weird things like this.

This is the part where you think you have a solution for me but you don't. 28 years of this. I really have tried it all. I've tried staying up, I've tried forcing myself to lay in the dark for hours, I've tried warm teas, I'm tried sound machines, I've tried Ambien, I've tried benadryl, I've tried natural sleep aids, I've tried working extra hard all day long to expend energy, I've tried not eating for four or five hours before bed...

I am just a freak. A very tired freak.

Written by Jen...

Those are my favorite words.

A Happy Rant, For a Change...

I am so happy. It all started 29 hours ago (allowing for daylight savings). I grabbed a book that Steph checked out from the library and, in an effort to avoid doing anything I needed to do, began to read about organizing my life more effectively. Yes, I found it humorous as well.

UNTIL IT CHANGED MY LIFE!

There was a quiz that you take in the beginning to ascertain what "brain style" you have. This isn't a "you're a blue" or a "you're a melancholy" or whatever else they have to segregate your personality. This was specifically meant to show you how your brain reacts to the managing of time and, well, stuff.

I have an Innovating brain style.

And then I read the most eye-opening honest 16 pages about myself. It was crazy because there is a mental me (which sounds awkward) but then there is a action me (also awkward). These are terms I have created for this blog. In my mind I know the exact right way to organize my time and efforts to be the most effective, blah, blah, blah.

But the action me (the one that matters) NEVER follows through.

I spend A LOT of my time, every day, feeling like I am a failure because I just don't get you normal people. I don't get 9-5 jobs, I just don't get how you manage to avoid doodling random story lines for three hours every day, I don't get how you manage to be... normal.

Well, what this book taught me is that I am weird. I am completely different than 80% of the population when it comes to what motivates me to get moving and the way in which I process and prioritize.

And that isn't an excuse but it isn't irrelevant either.

So I am embracing my weirdness instead of fighting (very ineffectively) against it. I am the kid in the classroom that understood what the teacher was saying in 5 mins and then spent the next 45 daydreaming about Matt Damon and the movie I was writing at the time. And then I didn't catch the assignment or the second half of second, more complicated aspect of the lesson.

I am the girl who was crazy awesome at every job because the only way to keep myself from crying from boredom was to give myself impossible goals, which I would reach, much to my delight and surprise. And then I'd be bored again. So I wouldn't go. Almost every employer I have ever had has said a version of this to me at some time, "If you would just come to work regularly you would be a supervisor by now." To which I would... quit. Or just not show up. And get fired. Mostly I quit but I have been fired once or twice.

I am the girl that writes blogs at 2am.

BUT I am also the girl who has a million ideas in my mind at every second of the day. I am the girl that forces herself to keep reading the book she is reading even though she all of a sudden has an idea for an awesome story. Why? Because normal people finish the books they are reading. Normal people doing things in order.

And yet...

Now that I have embraced my non-normalcy I am FREE. I was reading a book last night and randomly thought I should write some articles for work. So instead of wrestling with it I just did it. After five articles I went back to reading. Then I wrote 8 more articles. Then I read another book. I also created a more effective binder for my papers and used clippings from old magazines as labels.

It's great. Now instead of allotting five straight hours for work and then not doing it because it sounds awful I allot an hour and a half. I set the timer and when it dings I give myself an hour for whatever time. And when it dings I go back to work.

It sounds schizo to you I am sure. But I spent 7 hours working today, once it is all totalled and I don't feel like it at all. I feel like I had plenty of random-nothing-thought-percolating time. This is very important to Jen's like me.

I recognize that I am SUPER LUCKY because of the work that I do. I am amazed by people that go to work and classes at regular times. It is literally AMAZING to me.

I am just so happy because I have some pretty big things coming my way and I would be a liar-liar-pants-on-fire if I didn't admit that I have been concerned about my ability to follow through. Turns out I just needed to rewire my ideas about what is productive. It sporadic and insane by I wrote $148 worth of articles in that seven hours instead of avoiding.

I am living my uniqueness, as extreme as it is.

It's bliss that the things you need come to you when you stop fighting who you are.

NEW FAVORITE QUOTE (and then I am done, I swear);

"Do not wish to be anything but what you are, and to be that perfectly." - Saint Francis de Sales

I Know I Just Posted but...

Rabbits are creepy.

Have I already discussed this? I can't recall. Anyway, I finally read Watership Down. Well, like three months ago. I was hesitant to read it because, to be honest, I am not one for the rabbit stories. The Velveteen Rabbit is probably the only one I care for. I used to whisper to Fuzzball that he was real. I'm weird. Well established. Get over it.

But I read it. And I was fascinated. And completely creeped out. Freaky semi-warren bunnies not telling the new rabbits about the traps. That part disturbed me so much I had to read it three or four times. And then I told Steph and weirded her out. And then the crazy General bunny shredding the rabbit's ears when they fell out of line... is the world rabbits live in? I want to adopt a warren rabbit just to save it from the crazies.

Yup. It is 2am and I am thinking about the rabbit book I read three months ago. What did I tell you to do? Get over it.

For the New World is Like Heaven and We'll All Be Rich and Free!

Um, that is the song Caleb is singing at the moment. It's really not all that relevant to what I am going to write but he's cute.

So, I have received all the information. I have processed it and made a logical choice. And I have received confirmation that I am on the right path.

I am moving back.

Crazy, right? I really wasn't expecting that. But I know it is right and I am completely happy and content with the decision. It isn't out of fear or failure or any of that. It is just the right choice for the course my life is taking. I will be super busy in about a year and I will be living somewhere far away. I want to use this year to spend time with my family. Since I work online and will be taking classes online I can be anywhere. So that is where I choose to be.

I realize that I was ranting about not wanting to go back. Because I didn't want to. But I think it was more that I didn't want to feel forced. And I don't. I know I could make it work up here. I know it is my decision. I also know that I am stronger now than I have ever been before and I don't need to worry about falling into old habits and patterns. Because that old way of life holds no appeal for me now.

So, YAY old friends. Sorry new friends. I will still love you, though.

Have You Lost That Loving Feeling?

Woh-oh that loving feeling...

Do you still get crushes? I need you to answer and I'd prefer your answer to be yes so that I can feel less ridiculous. Thanks!

No, really... I get mad-crazy-crushed out on actors and isn't that supposed to be a teenage chick thing? Aren't I supposed to be attracted to stable jobs and reasonable vehicles at this point in my life?

Um, what's it like to be a normal person? I always have this quote from Pleasantville in my head; it suits so many occasions in my life. Tobey Maguire's characters shouts, "You can't stop something that's in side you!"

Well, great, because what's inside of Jen is ALL KINDS OF CRAZY!

Whatever, you love me.

Opportunities to Fail

I have had a ton of opportunities to fail lately. Times when giving up seemed the humane choice, not just the easy one. I have been told by just about everyone that I know and is supposed to be on my side, at one time or another, that things didn't seem to be working. That I was a burden. That I needed to go.

But that isn't the right answer. The answer I keep getting it, "Wait. You don't have all the information. There is more to this decision and it will come with time."

Try telling that to EVERYONE. Nope, I don't know my choice, yet. I have very vague plans. A lot of "if this happens", "if that happens".

I don't do well with rules and authority. Had lots of them both growing up and my nature is quietly rebellious. So when I get a bunch of people telling me what they think I should do my immediate instinct is to do the opposite just to show them that I don't care what they say. Which is dumb, I know. So imagine how difficult it was been lately! The crazy half of me wants to freak out on everyone. But I am keeping it in check because I know, that whichever way the pendulum swings, I am doing the right thing by waiting to be fully informed.

I guess what I am saying is... BACK OFF!