I Know I Just Posted but...

Rabbits are creepy.

Have I already discussed this? I can't recall. Anyway, I finally read Watership Down. Well, like three months ago. I was hesitant to read it because, to be honest, I am not one for the rabbit stories. The Velveteen Rabbit is probably the only one I care for. I used to whisper to Fuzzball that he was real. I'm weird. Well established. Get over it.

But I read it. And I was fascinated. And completely creeped out. Freaky semi-warren bunnies not telling the new rabbits about the traps. That part disturbed me so much I had to read it three or four times. And then I told Steph and weirded her out. And then the crazy General bunny shredding the rabbit's ears when they fell out of line... is the world rabbits live in? I want to adopt a warren rabbit just to save it from the crazies.

Yup. It is 2am and I am thinking about the rabbit book I read three months ago. What did I tell you to do? Get over it.

For the New World is Like Heaven and We'll All Be Rich and Free!

Um, that is the song Caleb is singing at the moment. It's really not all that relevant to what I am going to write but he's cute.

So, I have received all the information. I have processed it and made a logical choice. And I have received confirmation that I am on the right path.

I am moving back.

Crazy, right? I really wasn't expecting that. But I know it is right and I am completely happy and content with the decision. It isn't out of fear or failure or any of that. It is just the right choice for the course my life is taking. I will be super busy in about a year and I will be living somewhere far away. I want to use this year to spend time with my family. Since I work online and will be taking classes online I can be anywhere. So that is where I choose to be.

I realize that I was ranting about not wanting to go back. Because I didn't want to. But I think it was more that I didn't want to feel forced. And I don't. I know I could make it work up here. I know it is my decision. I also know that I am stronger now than I have ever been before and I don't need to worry about falling into old habits and patterns. Because that old way of life holds no appeal for me now.

So, YAY old friends. Sorry new friends. I will still love you, though.

Have You Lost That Loving Feeling?

Woh-oh that loving feeling...

Do you still get crushes? I need you to answer and I'd prefer your answer to be yes so that I can feel less ridiculous. Thanks!

No, really... I get mad-crazy-crushed out on actors and isn't that supposed to be a teenage chick thing? Aren't I supposed to be attracted to stable jobs and reasonable vehicles at this point in my life?

Um, what's it like to be a normal person? I always have this quote from Pleasantville in my head; it suits so many occasions in my life. Tobey Maguire's characters shouts, "You can't stop something that's in side you!"

Well, great, because what's inside of Jen is ALL KINDS OF CRAZY!

Whatever, you love me.

Opportunities to Fail

I have had a ton of opportunities to fail lately. Times when giving up seemed the humane choice, not just the easy one. I have been told by just about everyone that I know and is supposed to be on my side, at one time or another, that things didn't seem to be working. That I was a burden. That I needed to go.

But that isn't the right answer. The answer I keep getting it, "Wait. You don't have all the information. There is more to this decision and it will come with time."

Try telling that to EVERYONE. Nope, I don't know my choice, yet. I have very vague plans. A lot of "if this happens", "if that happens".

I don't do well with rules and authority. Had lots of them both growing up and my nature is quietly rebellious. So when I get a bunch of people telling me what they think I should do my immediate instinct is to do the opposite just to show them that I don't care what they say. Which is dumb, I know. So imagine how difficult it was been lately! The crazy half of me wants to freak out on everyone. But I am keeping it in check because I know, that whichever way the pendulum swings, I am doing the right thing by waiting to be fully informed.

I guess what I am saying is... BACK OFF!

The Wanna's and the Don't Wanna's

I WANNA...

- Go to Vancouver Film School for their super perfect Writing for TV and Film 12 month program. This is one of the tippidy-toppidy schools for learning and getting into the television and film industry. And I love the weather in Vancouver and that I can get all the health care I want with my work/school visa.

- Save money for my sojourn north.

- Be as hot as Jessica Alba. (What, I didn't say the "wanna's" were going to be realistic!)

- Finish my freakin book. I am a SLACKER.

I DON'T WANNA...

- Go back to Tucson. Yeah, it would be cheaper. Yeah, I could save more money. But I'd be in Tucson. I love so many people there but... that place is, to quote Heather, a 'pot-hole'. At least for me it is. I am so afraid I will get stuck. Again. Plus, I love my ward and my friends here. I like my life and who I am here. It is more the person that I really am. I like that no one here judges me on the past because, well, they weren't around for it. It is kind of nice.

- Talk myself out of how excited I am about my new goals. I see how all of the steps I have taken in life have led me to this point and to these realizations. I know they are right for me but I also am the queen of over-analyzing.

- Exercise. It is so painful! But I am going to! Jessica Alba does...

All Hallow's Eve

Round 1: I heart Halloween. Maybe it is the fat kid in me that loves an excuse to have at a pillowcase full of candy (yes, I am from the pillowcase class of trick-or-treaters). Maybe it is that I spend so much of my internal life pretending to be someone else that I relish the opportunity to dress accordingly without fear of mockery. I don't know. I do know that if I were hot enough I would totally be Katherine for Halloween this year (I always like the evil person most). Also, I want the super awesome necklace seen above mostly because it is insanely cool. It is called a vampire bite necklace. It's probably my new favorite thing.

Round 2: I went to Melinda's and watched JK Rowling on Oprah and I am embarrassed by how emotional I got. As someone that hopes to someday be a published writer it was intense to hear a lot of Rowling's confessions about how she felt prior to all the success. I know I won't ever be in the same sphere as her, that isn't the point. I just know what she meant when she said she didn't have a lot of self-belief but she had this one thing. She knew how to tell a story. And that is how I feel EXACTLY. It's not the most important thing in the world but it is what matters to me and it is what I love.

Round 3: I totally believe in magic. Maybe not levitating freaks on TV (Criss Angel, you creep me out) but I believe that magic exists. Loving someone is a form of magic. Music is a form of magic. Beauty and curiosity and life and death... it is all magical. The most magical thing of all though is hope. It gives you strength you would never have thought you had. That is why losing hope is so awful. Of all the things that you can lose, hope can actually break you. That is why I am 28 year old struggling writer that still plans on going to schools and taking chances. Because I will hope for all of my dreams until the last breath fades from my chest. And then I will be rocking out in heaven.

I'm Uppers, I'm Downers...

The title of this post is my favorite quote from Will and Grace, a TV show I never really cared about (but if they made a Jack and Karen show I would watch it religiously!) but it was always on at that weird 9:30-10:30 pm slot when it seems too early to go to bed but you don't want to watch something you might start caring about because that makes wake you up all the way and then you won't be able to fall asleep for hours... does anyone else have this problem? I have been an insomniac since birth so...

Anyway, Karen (Megan Mullally) says it to the janitor she has been seeing (she was pretending to be a maid, he was against the upper class) as she is detailing their many differences. It just always made me laugh. She says something like, "I'm filet mignon, you're peanut butter and jelly. I'm upstairs, you're downstairs. I'm uppers, I'm downers." I don't know... that's the gist.

And it fits my current life.

Everything is all over the place. Horrible things keep happening. Amazing things keep happening. I don't know if I can handle all this crazy frenetic motion. I am literally so sad that I can't speak at least once a day and then so happy that I am giggling with excitement at least once a day. And I am not bi-polar. Everything is so vivid and intense right now. It's frightening.

ALSO... and this incredibly dorky... I had to open a twitter account for my new awesome writing gig and I clicked on the actors I am supposed to do weekly updates on (one neat thing about twitter is that they verify accounts with celebrities so if you are crazy enough to want to stalk them you can stalk the actual them, if they have an account) and, like, two people I actually know. Because I don't care about twitter.

Anyway, I logged on tonight and on my home page was a tweet (it physically hurts me to write that) from Ian Somerhalder. So I was confused. Because your homepage shows updates from people you are following and I am not following him. As beautiful as he is. I just can't be that dorky. I am following Conan O'Brien because he makes me laugh. I might add Kanye West too. He says crazy things.

BUT I am not following Ian Somerhalder. So for two very dorky 11-year old girl seconds I thought... did he tweet me? That sounds weird. Anyway, of course he didn't. Why would he? This is when I learned about retweeting. The chick that I report to for Portrait had retweeted one of his posts. So that is why it showed up on my page.

But, when I posted my update, it went to the top of my page and there we were, next to each other. I'm just saying... he could do worse. He could do a thousand times better, true. But he could also do worse.