GOOD NEWS!

Tab gets more time with Beto AND we have supervisors that will allow us to be in our homes with him, that will allow him to be with his cousins again and that won't back out of visits because they are pouting and don't comprehend the law or Tab's rights as a mother! It is great. It is just so amazing after months of professionals making decisions based on half-truths and whole-lies told by those that have NO CLUE about what happened because they were ABSENT for the first year of B's life, by their own selfish choice, to have a judge that saw the truth, listened to both sides and made her decision accordingly. We all feel like the vise that has been gripping our hearts since September 4th is finally loosening somewhat. I can't wait to see my nephew without the negative shadow of certain people putting a damper on it! And Beto will be SO HAPPY to be with his family again. Ryleigh already has a count-down calender going for when she gets to see B and Mariah, Bisa, Wynter and Jett can finally actually see him instead of just asking about him all the time and feeling confused. FINALLY A HAPPY DAY!

Kurt and Tina

I have something shocking to reveal and, of course, I chose the Internet as the avenue for its revelation...

I want to be a writer.

Please breath. No heart attacks or strokes, I have enough on my conscience, believe me. Okay, Okay, I guess that wasn't a real revelation unless you have never spoken to me before but if that is the case I am not sure why you are reading this. Hmmm. Food for thought.

I have a few things going against me as far as turning my love of writing (particularly of writing TV show and novels). I am a bit older (not old; older) to be starting a career. I don't have anything that constitutes "professional" training. I don't have any real connections. And I have a long history of dreaming big and quitting early.

But that's okay. Because I love writing and I know that I am good at it. I am better than average. I am better than above average. I am one of the best writers you know, that is how confident I am, because I don't even know all the people you know. But I know I am one of the best writers in the group. And you know I'm entertaining!

My heroes of the moment are Kurt Sutter and Tina Fey. They are both showrunners (Kurt for Sons of Anarchy on FX and Tina for 30 Rock on NBC) and I think they are both brunettes that wear glasses. And that is where their similarities end. Tina Fey started out at Second City the famous Chicago improv club. She started young and she worked her way through the comedy television ranks as a writer for SNL and later as the head writer (which is amazing - women comedy writers are in the minority). Now she is the showrunner for 30 Rock, which is hysterical. I am inspired by her humour, her drive and her intelligence. And her glasses, because I rock them too and I like them!

Kurt Sutter is a very different story. He didn't even try to be a TV writer until he was older. He spent a lot of time floundering in different jobs and being wasted. I know nothing about that... wink, winker. He finally realized that writing was what helped him channel all his "stuff" in a healthy way. He doesn't compromise, he writes what he wishes he was watching and he's conquered his demons and uses them to his advantage. That is my greatest hope for myself. I have plenty of demons, after all.

I think that having role models is important. You shouldn't compare yourself to someone else but having a goal and examples of a person that overcame some of the same obstacles I have faced is almost healing. It fills me with hope and drive and excitement for the future.

So thanks Kurt and Tina. You rock. You 30 Rock.

Thematic Elements

I love a good drama. I love a world that is like mine but slightly off-kilter, a world with its own set of rules. My current favorites are House, Sons of Anarchy, Dexter and The Vampire Diaries. And, yes, all of the main characters have, how can we say it nicely? - personality problems. But that is what is interesting. How is House going to solve this case while insulting everyone within earshot? How is Damon going to convince Elena that he loves her while still enjoying the occasional sip of sorority girl? That is just good viewing. The mythology of these worlds and all of the intense conflict that follows is what keeps me tuning in.

I hate a good drama in my real life. Sure, if this craziness was being viewed by a television audience everyone would be on our side and know that we are in the right and that we are the good people. It would just be a matter of which episode will set everything right. Being in the middle of it SUCKS. Not being the author SUCKS. Not having my nephew SUCKS.

My hope for this year is that all of the new drama I experience is confined to the television screen.

Fighting Kindle, Question Mark...

I was vehemently opposed to these electronic reading devices. I might still be. I haven't decided 100%.

I love the heft of a book in my hands. I hate the older, lesser quality print jobs that leave black ink on my thumbs forefingers. I love going book shopping. I hate not finding the book I want and having to wait two weeks for it to arrive because I have to order it online. I love some of the beautiful cover art on some of my favorite novels. I hate some of the tacky cover art on some of my favorite novels. I love having all my books on shelves, they are beautiful. I have packing and movies all my books, they are heavy and cumbersome in transit.

Here is the thing that has made me go "hmmm..." (things that make hmm, hmm, hmm - old school song flashback!);

Jackie told me that you can scroll over a word you don't know and your Kindle will give you the definition. That is the coolest thing I have ever heard even though it comes from what I once deemed a source of evil.

Also, how cool is it to go, "I want to read this book." and then just download it. I could be reading one of the three books I found at the library today (and couldn't check out because I am moving and should be packing instead of reading and, ahem, writing blogs).

My question is... what happens when it breaks? Obviously the books are some kind of file that can be transferred so can they be saved on your desktop hard drive so when one kindle breaks you can load them again on another. I am sure you can, because it would be stupid otherwise. Who wants to lose their personal library every few years?

Yes, I call my books my personal library. And when I have my own house I will actually have a room that is the library that only houses books, comfy chairs and dishes filled with awesome bookmarks so you can always save your place in style.

Anyway, should I keep hating Kindle?

I Have No Clever Title Ideas for this Post...

Incase you were inclined to inquire... I love my current blog background. I believe it will be the basis for my kitchen, when I have a kitchen someday.

Moving back to the place where heat tries to win your affection with persistence. I am not looking forward to that. I am also super sad every time I look at Caleb, Sadie or Sophie. I have been hugging them A LOT. I am starting to think I was right before when I would move but not really try and make friends because now moving back to where my friends and family are means I have to leave my friends and family here. Wah-wah!

Melinda had her baby, Joslyn Joy, and I am glad that I am at least going to meet the munchkin. Rachel had her baby, Lillian Mae, and I am super excited to see that kiddo when I return to the desert.

I know it is the right thing, though, and I am excited to see everyone and I am super grateful for my surprise early trip so I can be there for Christmas. This is obvioulsy a middle of the night ramble. Sorry. I have been a sicko and I am in too much pain to sleep but I am too tired to stay awake unless I am actively doing something. Like blogging nonsense!

Speculative...

Part of building my writing portfolio includes having a spec script written for the three main types of TV shows that are on the air. This means I need to write a script for an already airing hour-long drama, half-hour comedy and half-hour sitcom. Hour-long? Check. Half-hour comedy? Check. Half-hour sitcom...

I don't watch any of the sitcoms that are on right now. I never really have liked sitcoms other than Friends and That 70's Show and both are (lamentably) off the air. I hate the lame and obvious joke setups. Laugh tracks and studio audiences irritate me. Overall, I just don't find them that funny.

But I need to pick a show to watch all the seasons of (to get the tone and back story right) and write a spec. I decided to look up the highest rated sitcoms and pick one of those to do. Guess what they are? The Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother and Two and a Half Men. REALLY? Two and a Half Men is appalling to me. It makes me like Duckie a lot less. How I Met Your Mother... ugh. Cloying. The Big Bang Theory... I don't hate this show. I don't feel an overwhelming need to keep up with it but I could watch the past seasons and not want to stab myself.

Problem solved, right? WRONG! How am I supposed to write a spec script for that show? I am no scientist. I am dork but not in the way those guys are. Hmmm... idea. Maybe I can write a spec about them being out of their element in a literary world... I love when I get on here to rant and end up with a decent idea. Sweet.

Okay, problem solved.

Shut Eye...

I never have been able to fall asleep with easily without medicinal assistance. And even with assistance it still takes a while and sometimes the medicine doesn't help at all. And when I say never I literally mean that even as a baby I had a hard time falling and staying asleep, especially at night.

I have tried everything. Anything you think of I have attempted. The only thing I haven't done yet is have a sleep study conducted but, to be honest, I really doubt that I will be able to fall asleep with those things attached to my scalp if I can't fall asleep in my own bed when I am dead tired.

Chronic insomnia is a sign of depression, anxiety and fibro so I hit the no-sleep trifecta. It's not all bad. I get the computer (and hulu or blinkx) all to myself if I want it. Yep, that's the only perk I can think of about my rearranged sleep schedule.

Apparently it is pretty weird for your body to reverse cycle so drastically. I have always been a 3-10am sleeper and I can get away with it because I freelance but lately it has been more like 9am-5pm, which is ridiculous. I miss being a real person. So, I will probably have to try a sleep study and get checked out to make sure there is nothing seriously wrong. I don't think there is but, hey, I watch House and you are always supposed to tell your doctor about weird things like this.

This is the part where you think you have a solution for me but you don't. 28 years of this. I really have tried it all. I've tried staying up, I've tried forcing myself to lay in the dark for hours, I've tried warm teas, I'm tried sound machines, I've tried Ambien, I've tried benadryl, I've tried natural sleep aids, I've tried working extra hard all day long to expend energy, I've tried not eating for four or five hours before bed...

I am just a freak. A very tired freak.