I had an idea of what my life would be. A good adjective to describe my idea would be rigid. I had a very, very rigid idea of what my life would be. Sometimes I wanted it very badly. Other times it seemed like it would be awful and staid and predictable and soul-suckingly dull.
I couldn't tell you which it was because it didn't work out that way.
I spent some time being mad about it. I spent some time blaming certain people for it. I spent some time blaming myself for it. And all of that was justified and true, as well as false. I see that now. Facts remain the same but emotions swish and swirl and I am happy to be on the other side of that particular swishing and swirling.
For those of you that have stuck beside me through all my many, many, MANY ups and downs and back-and-forths, I am truly grateful. Some friends fall away when you start to become someone different. Others just love you, regardless. I am blessed with a lot of the latter and, to be honest, haven't spent too much time lamenting the former.
It's weird not knowing what your life will be when you have already lived 30 years of it. I feel like I should have it together by now. But I don't. And that is okay because what else can it be? Here is what I can say...
I will have one book PUBLISHED by the time I am 40. At least one. Because I am an awesome writer and it is what I was always meant to be.
I will find a way to overcome my fibromyalgia to the point that I can be active again.
I will NOT waste anymore time worrying about what I could have, should have, would have done differently in the past. All that does is waste time in my present!
Oh, and for the record... I am glad my life didn't go the way I thought it would. I'd have been very unhappy. I have nothing but gratitude in my heart for the confounding of those "dreams". Honestly.