Have You Lost That Loving Feeling?

Woh-oh that loving feeling...

Do you still get crushes? I need you to answer and I'd prefer your answer to be yes so that I can feel less ridiculous. Thanks!

No, really... I get mad-crazy-crushed out on actors and isn't that supposed to be a teenage chick thing? Aren't I supposed to be attracted to stable jobs and reasonable vehicles at this point in my life?

Um, what's it like to be a normal person? I always have this quote from Pleasantville in my head; it suits so many occasions in my life. Tobey Maguire's characters shouts, "You can't stop something that's in side you!"

Well, great, because what's inside of Jen is ALL KINDS OF CRAZY!

Whatever, you love me.

Opportunities to Fail

I have had a ton of opportunities to fail lately. Times when giving up seemed the humane choice, not just the easy one. I have been told by just about everyone that I know and is supposed to be on my side, at one time or another, that things didn't seem to be working. That I was a burden. That I needed to go.

But that isn't the right answer. The answer I keep getting it, "Wait. You don't have all the information. There is more to this decision and it will come with time."

Try telling that to EVERYONE. Nope, I don't know my choice, yet. I have very vague plans. A lot of "if this happens", "if that happens".

I don't do well with rules and authority. Had lots of them both growing up and my nature is quietly rebellious. So when I get a bunch of people telling me what they think I should do my immediate instinct is to do the opposite just to show them that I don't care what they say. Which is dumb, I know. So imagine how difficult it was been lately! The crazy half of me wants to freak out on everyone. But I am keeping it in check because I know, that whichever way the pendulum swings, I am doing the right thing by waiting to be fully informed.

I guess what I am saying is... BACK OFF!

The Wanna's and the Don't Wanna's

I WANNA...

- Go to Vancouver Film School for their super perfect Writing for TV and Film 12 month program. This is one of the tippidy-toppidy schools for learning and getting into the television and film industry. And I love the weather in Vancouver and that I can get all the health care I want with my work/school visa.

- Save money for my sojourn north.

- Be as hot as Jessica Alba. (What, I didn't say the "wanna's" were going to be realistic!)

- Finish my freakin book. I am a SLACKER.

I DON'T WANNA...

- Go back to Tucson. Yeah, it would be cheaper. Yeah, I could save more money. But I'd be in Tucson. I love so many people there but... that place is, to quote Heather, a 'pot-hole'. At least for me it is. I am so afraid I will get stuck. Again. Plus, I love my ward and my friends here. I like my life and who I am here. It is more the person that I really am. I like that no one here judges me on the past because, well, they weren't around for it. It is kind of nice.

- Talk myself out of how excited I am about my new goals. I see how all of the steps I have taken in life have led me to this point and to these realizations. I know they are right for me but I also am the queen of over-analyzing.

- Exercise. It is so painful! But I am going to! Jessica Alba does...

All Hallow's Eve

Round 1: I heart Halloween. Maybe it is the fat kid in me that loves an excuse to have at a pillowcase full of candy (yes, I am from the pillowcase class of trick-or-treaters). Maybe it is that I spend so much of my internal life pretending to be someone else that I relish the opportunity to dress accordingly without fear of mockery. I don't know. I do know that if I were hot enough I would totally be Katherine for Halloween this year (I always like the evil person most). Also, I want the super awesome necklace seen above mostly because it is insanely cool. It is called a vampire bite necklace. It's probably my new favorite thing.

Round 2: I went to Melinda's and watched JK Rowling on Oprah and I am embarrassed by how emotional I got. As someone that hopes to someday be a published writer it was intense to hear a lot of Rowling's confessions about how she felt prior to all the success. I know I won't ever be in the same sphere as her, that isn't the point. I just know what she meant when she said she didn't have a lot of self-belief but she had this one thing. She knew how to tell a story. And that is how I feel EXACTLY. It's not the most important thing in the world but it is what matters to me and it is what I love.

Round 3: I totally believe in magic. Maybe not levitating freaks on TV (Criss Angel, you creep me out) but I believe that magic exists. Loving someone is a form of magic. Music is a form of magic. Beauty and curiosity and life and death... it is all magical. The most magical thing of all though is hope. It gives you strength you would never have thought you had. That is why losing hope is so awful. Of all the things that you can lose, hope can actually break you. That is why I am 28 year old struggling writer that still plans on going to schools and taking chances. Because I will hope for all of my dreams until the last breath fades from my chest. And then I will be rocking out in heaven.