Once Upon a Time...

I had an idea of what my life would be. A good adjective to describe my idea would be rigid. I had a very, very rigid idea of what my life would be. Sometimes I wanted it very badly. Other times it seemed like it would be awful and staid and predictable and soul-suckingly dull.

I couldn't tell you which it was because it didn't work out that way.

I spent some time being mad about it. I spent some time blaming certain people for it. I spent some time blaming myself for it. And all of that was justified and true, as well as false. I see that now. Facts remain the same but emotions swish and swirl and I am happy to be on the other side of that particular swishing and swirling.

For those of you that have stuck beside me through all my many, many, MANY ups and downs and back-and-forths, I am truly grateful. Some friends fall away when you start to become someone different. Others just love you, regardless. I am blessed with a lot of the latter and, to be honest, haven't spent too much time lamenting the former.

It's weird not knowing what your life will be when you have already lived 30 years of it. I feel like I should have it together by now. But I don't. And that is okay because what else can it be? Here is what I can say...

I will have one book PUBLISHED by the time I am 40. At least one. Because I am an awesome writer and it is what I was always meant to be. 

I will find a way to overcome my fibromyalgia to the point that I can be active again.

AND...

I will NOT waste anymore time worrying about what I could have, should have, would have done differently in the past. All that does is waste time in my present! 

Oh, and for the record... I am glad my life didn't go the way I thought it would. I'd have been very unhappy. I have nothing but gratitude in my heart for the confounding of those "dreams". Honestly.

30 ROCK!

I still have a little over 3 months until I am officially, GASP!, middle aged. I still look like I'm a little kid (so long as I keep my hair dyed) so I am not freaking out too much as far as the actual aging process is concerned. I do wish I had more to show for my 30 years on earth but I figure, fingers-crossed, that I have at least 30 more to make up for what is currently lacking.

One of my fears about myself, being that I am still single, was that I would still find the younger guys attractive, like some sad caricature of a woman unable to let go of the past. I say things like, "Zac Efron is awkwardly attractive" because, to me, he is a little kid (but he is actually 24, so WAY legal) and finding him attractive is awkward! But I don't have an actual crush on him. I just recognize his attractiveness. I also recognize his penchant for shlocky chick-flicks that make me want to gouge my eyes out just to stop being assaulted by the previews. Yeah.

So... the fear of being attracted to younger dudes that remind me of when I was a younger chick... has been proven invalid! About two months ago I met a kid that I will refer to as James Franco because he looked a lot like James Franco. A lot. And I happen to LOVE me some James Franco. He is wacky but intensely attractive and the fact that he is funny only makes me love him more. So here I am spending time (we were admitted to the hospital together and formed a coloring group to pass the time) with a GORGEOUS young man who was also surprisingly polite (he was 20 but his manners and kindness toward women was something that most 40 year old men don't seem to be capable of), hilarious, fun to talk to and easy to talk to about the more serious stuff of life as well. Perfect crush material.

And I felt NADA!

Well, not nada, I felt like I desperately wanted him to fall in love with Becca so that he could be in our family because I just adored him to pieces but in the way you would adore your little brother. If ever there was a way-too-young for me kid that I was going to develop a crush on it would have been him. Instead, I just wanted to give him lots of hugs and find a place for him in our family pictures.

This might seem, okay it actually is, a ridiculous thing to have cared about at all but it was always in the back of my mind... that wondering. Not that women can't have wonderful relationships with younger men... blah, blah, blah... I just kind of don't want to be one of them.

You know what almost-30-year-old-Jen is attracted to? Laugh lines around the eyes, some stubble, and skin that isn't completely flawless. I like a guy that cares enough about what he looks like to brush his teeth, comb his hair and match his clothes on a basic level but mostly, I like a guy that has a sense of humor about life and himself, a guy that cracks a book now and then, and a guy that is respectful of my space and my mind, meaning he gives me my alone time AND doesn't spend our time together trying to "teach" me. Ugh!

And, apparently, almost-30-year-Jen likes 'em in her age range. Oh, yeah.