Re-Working of an Old Attitude

I have a very definite pattern to my life. I am a creature of habit, even when those habits aren't in any way productive. One of these is that when everything seems to be going right I start to freak out. Things can't be perfect forever. What is going to fall apart? When am I going to screw myself over? And then comes the self-destruct mode, like if I beat the misery to the punch I somehow have the upper hand. Not true. Logically, I know all of this.

But it is hard to alter behavior. Very, very hard.

Still, I am determined to be better and new. I am learning to use some of my escapist tendencies to my advantage. I have taken my silly, big-city dreams of acting/singing/writing and made them into more plausible goals. It is amazingly soothing for that ache I get gnawing inside of me. How have I accomplished this? Let me tell you...

1. I am writing every day. Even if it isn't Betwixt I am writing something. Maybe it's a TV show (yes, I actually think I have a fairly decent idea thanks to my lawyerly pal Charity) or just the treatment for another novel I think of (or dream up... this happens a lot. It is the benefit of completely bizarre dreams).

2. Okay, this is incredibly embarrassing to admit, but I am going to do it anyway (mostly because I don't think that many people actually read this)... since I am turning 28 in August I have decided that I will audition for American Idol this time around. Apparently 28 is the cut-off and for some reason that has motivated me. I doubt I will get anywhere, that isn't really the point, I just want to say that I tried. Why not? I don't want to be 29 and thinking, "I wonder..."

I am too old to collect anymore "I wonders".

3. I am taking an improv class in the fall!!! I am very excited about this. I love to act, I love to think on my feet, and I think I am somewhat funny. It is only six weeks and it is just for fun but what is wrong with that? A stage is a stage and if you know me at all you know I love a stage... it's like crack for Jen's like me.

I am trying to implement the rule that life isn't all or nothing. Maybe I can't win an Oscar or a Grammy but I can still sing and I can still act and I can still love it while living a normal life. It doesn't mean I have failed in achieving my dreams it just means I have tailored them to fit what truly make me happy.

PAST DUE

No, this will not be a post about being in debt. Well, I guess it is a form of debt. Karmic debt or an emotional deficit or some other hippie dippy new age term... whatever suits your fancy.

I had an unpleasant blast from the past recently. Most of blasts from the past are welcomed. I tend to stay friends with people that I have known and even if we don't talk often we are generally on good terms. This is why I don't handle these awkward occurrences very well. I am not saying that everyone stays friends with me forever just that the people I still talk to are around because we both decided to like each other for a while longer.

So this person told me I was too much "drama." What? Um, as in I watch too much drama i.e. Law and Order or Dexter... maybe he was referring to the fact that I like the show Glee and recently finished reading Schindler's list. I don't know. I am honestly baffled that there is a person in the world who considers me to be too much drama. I don't do anything. My favorite pastime is reading a good novel in my bed.

My feelings aren't hurt. I don't really respect this person's opinions which is part of why he falls into the past category. Who knows where he is coming from. It just goes to show you that perception is relative and directly relates to each individual and their frame of mind.

Or maybe I am just so over-the-top, Liza-Minnelli-in-Cabaret-dramatic that I can't see through the glitter and glitz that is my every waking moment...

Okay, that was dramatic. Hehehe.

The Craziest Weeks of My Life

... and that includes the times I blacked out from my migraine medications. Here is a chronological list of my life over the past 2 weeks...

1. A very good friend of mine called me at work to tell me she had found a rotting corpse when she went to check on a lady who no one had heard from in a week or so. Creepy. I was terrified and I didn't even see it!

2. My Gramma Hill, who is insanely healthy, was admitted to the hospital and considered in critical condition for a few days because of blood clots found in her legs and lungs.

3. Sophie Grace Draper was born on May 7th at 3:17pm and was perfectly healthy and amazing. (This is a good thing but it still contributed to some of the chaos).

4. Steph and Sophie came home on Saturday (26 hours after delivery!) and I went to Smith's to do some grocery shopping. I forgot peanut butter and Steph decided she wanted apple juice as well so an hour after I came home Justin headed out. While he was there a shooting occurred in the store. No lie. It turns out the police fired and the only person hurt was the bad guy but still pretty terrifying, especially before we knew what had happened. Justin is handling it well but I wasn't.

5. I have been feeling weirdly ill with migraines and stomach issues all weekend.

6. I got laid off... about four hours ago. They cut the writing department. I am not quite sure how they are going to manage that but oh, well. C'est la vie.

So, yeah, I need a vacation from my problems. Where is Dr. Leo Vankmen when you need him?

I am still in shock about being laid off. I was just given a raise and given full time hours so I was not at all expecting to be lose my job. And I don't qualify for unemployment because I didn't work in this city in 2009. Which makes sense but still adds stress! I have already started sending out resumes and I know that it will work out right. I have been thinking about going back to school and this seems to be a pretty clear cut indicator that school would not be a bad idea for moi.

My goal is to not freak out. This is the kind of situation that would generally lead to a meltdown and relocation. But I am not that person anymore. I will find a job and I will go to school. I will still send out my first two chapters as planned.

And I will enjoy my new niece!