I have a very definite pattern to my life. I am a creature of habit, even when those habits aren't in any way productive. One of these is that when everything seems to be going right I start to freak out. Things can't be perfect forever. What is going to fall apart? When am I going to screw myself over? And then comes the self-destruct mode, like if I beat the misery to the punch I somehow have the upper hand. Not true. Logically, I know all of this.
But it is hard to alter behavior. Very, very hard.
Still, I am determined to be better and new. I am learning to use some of my escapist tendencies to my advantage. I have taken my silly, big-city dreams of acting/singing/writing and made them into more plausible goals. It is amazingly soothing for that ache I get gnawing inside of me. How have I accomplished this? Let me tell you...
1. I am writing every day. Even if it isn't Betwixt I am writing something. Maybe it's a TV show (yes, I actually think I have a fairly decent idea thanks to my lawyerly pal Charity) or just the treatment for another novel I think of (or dream up... this happens a lot. It is the benefit of completely bizarre dreams).
2. Okay, this is incredibly embarrassing to admit, but I am going to do it anyway (mostly because I don't think that many people actually read this)... since I am turning 28 in August I have decided that I will audition for American Idol this time around. Apparently 28 is the cut-off and for some reason that has motivated me. I doubt I will get anywhere, that isn't really the point, I just want to say that I tried. Why not? I don't want to be 29 and thinking, "I wonder..."
I am too old to collect anymore "I wonders".
3. I am taking an improv class in the fall!!! I am very excited about this. I love to act, I love to think on my feet, and I think I am somewhat funny. It is only six weeks and it is just for fun but what is wrong with that? A stage is a stage and if you know me at all you know I love a stage... it's like crack for Jen's like me.
I am trying to implement the rule that life isn't all or nothing. Maybe I can't win an Oscar or a Grammy but I can still sing and I can still act and I can still love it while living a normal life. It doesn't mean I have failed in achieving my dreams it just means I have tailored them to fit what truly make me happy.
But it is hard to alter behavior. Very, very hard.
Still, I am determined to be better and new. I am learning to use some of my escapist tendencies to my advantage. I have taken my silly, big-city dreams of acting/singing/writing and made them into more plausible goals. It is amazingly soothing for that ache I get gnawing inside of me. How have I accomplished this? Let me tell you...
1. I am writing every day. Even if it isn't Betwixt I am writing something. Maybe it's a TV show (yes, I actually think I have a fairly decent idea thanks to my lawyerly pal Charity) or just the treatment for another novel I think of (or dream up... this happens a lot. It is the benefit of completely bizarre dreams).
2. Okay, this is incredibly embarrassing to admit, but I am going to do it anyway (mostly because I don't think that many people actually read this)... since I am turning 28 in August I have decided that I will audition for American Idol this time around. Apparently 28 is the cut-off and for some reason that has motivated me. I doubt I will get anywhere, that isn't really the point, I just want to say that I tried. Why not? I don't want to be 29 and thinking, "I wonder..."
I am too old to collect anymore "I wonders".
3. I am taking an improv class in the fall!!! I am very excited about this. I love to act, I love to think on my feet, and I think I am somewhat funny. It is only six weeks and it is just for fun but what is wrong with that? A stage is a stage and if you know me at all you know I love a stage... it's like crack for Jen's like me.
I am trying to implement the rule that life isn't all or nothing. Maybe I can't win an Oscar or a Grammy but I can still sing and I can still act and I can still love it while living a normal life. It doesn't mean I have failed in achieving my dreams it just means I have tailored them to fit what truly make me happy.
I love it all! And I agree. I think more people need to just do what they love, no matter what level it's on. I'm proud of you, Jen!
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