UGH! and WHEW!

UGH!

Other people STRESS ME OUT! I want to help and I want to listen and I want to fix things but I can't. And most people don't really want you to. They just want you to agree with their grievances. Which is fine. ON OCCASION. I just need to learn how to listen without getting attached to the problem. Anyone know how to accomplish that? It would really save me a lot of headaches. Literally. Stress, even for other people, triggers my migraines. How do you tell people this? Um, I love you but don't tell me your problems they make me sick... yeah, that will go over well.

WHEW!

I am very blessed to have Justin and Stephanie in my life. They listen and do their best to understand and even when they don't quite get it they still take my word for it when I tell them the things I need. Stephanie is like my PROTECTOR and she tells me when she notices what things happened in the day that may have contributed to my getting sicker. I started to talk to her about a particular situation the other night but she cut me off to tell me that she already had a plan to deal with it. And her plan was exactly what I was going to ask for. I do not think that in order for the people in our lives to truly love us and mean us well they should be able to read our minds. I am perfectly happy to ask for what I need. But it feels so amazing for someone to just understand on their own every once in a while.

THANK YOU SISTER!

Salutations, Little Pig...

I rescued a pig! Here's how...

Sophie (the 15 month old baby) stalked me up the stairs to my room (which was her room until three days ago) so I generously and magnanimously allowed her to come into the room and then, with even greater love and devotion, I picked up said child and let her look out the window. She loves to look out the window.

As we were looking out of the window I noticed the most terrible squealing sound. It sounded like a small, angry pig. So I looked for weird birds in trees or small babies in yards. At one point I thought I found two sparring turtles, which turned out to be large ping-pong looking paddles... also turtles don't squeal but I was in a tizzy trying to figure out what the sound was so my powers of perception and discrimination were lacking.

Finally, I looked straight down and saw a teeny, tiny black pig in a rectangle of a pen. I was confused by this having never seen a pig at the neighbor's house before but I just moved back and it has been seven months so who knows. I also noticed that this small, plastic pen was not anchored to the ground and the angry, teeny pig was ramming into it and making it move.

In response I grabbed a confused Sophie and took off downstairs to ask Stephanie if the neighbors had had the pig for a while. Maybe he rammed into the pen all the time and I just didn't know. Stephanie seemed just as confused about the pig and we ran upstairs to check it out.

And the pig had escaped.

He was still in the yard and Steph saw him so we took off running to save the pig.

Here is what I have learned about this piggy:

His name is Winston.

He does not like being chased, held, or touched.

He feels safe when cornered between a motorcycle, a set of concrete steps and the side of a house.

Anyway, we didn't manage to pick him up but we did manage to alert the neighbors and assist in corralling him into the backyard. He then squealed well into the night and I had to wrestle with whether or not I regretted my decision to save him.

I decided I did not regret it, but it was a close call.

Fibromyalgia Beat Down!

I am going to be posting a weekly update of my new and improved health regimen at www.familyhealthynaturally.blogspot.com since I am up here trying to get HEALTHY! As in fighting back against my fibromyalgia because I am sick of sleeping in bed and being in pain.

This plan entails daily ten minute walks, which are supposed to be good for my muscle strength even though it hurts like a mother. I have been assured that it will get better over time.

I will also be eating organic products and a lot more veggies and fruits and whole grains. At some point I will be doing this super awesome 10-day juice fast that I am excited about. The juice is made from all organic produce and is packed with micro-nutrients. It is not a lose-weight-fast it is a pump-your-body-with-real-nutrition-fast.

I will also be trying to ween myself off of all the medications I am on, most of which just mask my pain, and turning to more natural sources for pain management and rehabilitation. As of now this includes using all natural oils to fight those aches and pains I encounter. I can attest that I have had some great success so far. I will also be taking all natural supplements such as pro-biotics to fight my stomach issues and I will be cleansing my body of the excess yeast that is contributing a great deal to my problems.

I know that all sounds hippie-dippy but as someone that has tried chemical medications for YEARS I can assure you that these methods are much preferred, much gentler on the body, and yield results faster and more consistently. I am not rejecting all my medications, nor am I shunning my doctors. I am just looking for a better way to live because what I have been doing for the past year is not living, it has been existing. And while I don't want to stop existing, I sure would love to exist in a happier, healthier state of body and mind.

Therefore, if you are so inclined, you can check out my progress at the link written above. It is also a great site for all health inquiries. There are posts about eating well, about alternative medicine options to keep you and your family healthy, and exercise posts. Otherwise, you can visit me here, at my blog, and read about my travails in writing, pondering, and living, as always. Thanks! Love to you all...

And Just Like That... She Was Gone...

Oh, hi.

Yes, I decided to not exist for a while. Sorry.

Being back in Pot Hole, as one of my childhood friends so loving refers to our home town, has been, well, pretty much what you'd expect from a town that has inhabitants referring to it as Pot Hole. It's not that town's fault. It's hard starting over some place old. Starting some place new is a cinch, for me anyway. Being new is intoxicating. I miss my Provo life (pre-fibro attack) and I miss my Provo friends and, as conceited or misguided as this may seem, I miss the person that my friends there saw. It was nice to, for a while, have a whole group of people that didn't know the bad parts. It helped me realize that there are definitely good parts that are worth acknowledging, even though it is only to myself.

SO... I have been ill. SHOCK! I have been pretty depressed. SHOCK! And I have been not handling it well. I was super nauseated and unable to sleep for a 38 hour period and this occurred directly after a mental breakdown wherein I informed my mom and sister that I didn't know what the point of my life was (don't worry, I believe in an afterlife so I know killing myself is not a viable option).

I was miserable.

It was around 2 or 3 am and I was soooo tired (and still 16-17 hours away from sleep, unbeknownst to me) but I was sitting in the living room with the television on so that I could at least try and be distracted when I suddenly heard Sting playing a lute and singing Fields of Gold, which is a song like a memory to me. It just transports me. I couldn't tell you why exactly but I love it. And then I felt the overwhelming happiness and hope that art sometimes affords us. I just started to cry and I was so happy to be alive. To be able to hear such a beautiful song and to feel such impenetrable joy for those three minutes.

For all there is in life to lament, for all the pain, betrayal, and lack we may experience there is the exact opposite waiting for us somewhere. There is peace and trust and abundance. We just have to remember that when it gets dark and lonely.

GOODBYE BROTHER

This is blog post that Justin put up after I left. I thought that my Justin Draper link was to a defunct site so I hadn't checked it until today when I decided to randomly click on it and see what happened.

What happened was; I CRIED!

Love you Justin and thanks for loving me as your sister;

Goodbye Sister
As you drove away in the car, the kids and I waived goodbye until you were out of sight. I turned around and Caleb said, "Mommy and Jen going to the store." That's when I started crying. "No, Jen is going back home to where her mommy and daddy live. She won't be living with us anymore."

We went upstairs and stood in your room. I told them you were gone. I don't think they understand yet, but they will feel it soon. Steph and I already do.

Jen, you have been a blessing on our home. It helped my wife to have family here. It helped my children to see their aunt and interact with her. It helped me to learn more about myself and others.

Whatever you may think about how I feel and what your influence was this past year, know that it was of God and a strength to all of us. You are a wonderful person and though we know you are doing the right thing by going back to Tucson, we will miss you. Thank you for being a part of our home and our lives.

Your brother

GOOD NEWS!

Tab gets more time with Beto AND we have supervisors that will allow us to be in our homes with him, that will allow him to be with his cousins again and that won't back out of visits because they are pouting and don't comprehend the law or Tab's rights as a mother! It is great. It is just so amazing after months of professionals making decisions based on half-truths and whole-lies told by those that have NO CLUE about what happened because they were ABSENT for the first year of B's life, by their own selfish choice, to have a judge that saw the truth, listened to both sides and made her decision accordingly. We all feel like the vise that has been gripping our hearts since September 4th is finally loosening somewhat. I can't wait to see my nephew without the negative shadow of certain people putting a damper on it! And Beto will be SO HAPPY to be with his family again. Ryleigh already has a count-down calender going for when she gets to see B and Mariah, Bisa, Wynter and Jett can finally actually see him instead of just asking about him all the time and feeling confused. FINALLY A HAPPY DAY!

Kurt and Tina

I have something shocking to reveal and, of course, I chose the Internet as the avenue for its revelation...

I want to be a writer.

Please breath. No heart attacks or strokes, I have enough on my conscience, believe me. Okay, Okay, I guess that wasn't a real revelation unless you have never spoken to me before but if that is the case I am not sure why you are reading this. Hmmm. Food for thought.

I have a few things going against me as far as turning my love of writing (particularly of writing TV show and novels). I am a bit older (not old; older) to be starting a career. I don't have anything that constitutes "professional" training. I don't have any real connections. And I have a long history of dreaming big and quitting early.

But that's okay. Because I love writing and I know that I am good at it. I am better than average. I am better than above average. I am one of the best writers you know, that is how confident I am, because I don't even know all the people you know. But I know I am one of the best writers in the group. And you know I'm entertaining!

My heroes of the moment are Kurt Sutter and Tina Fey. They are both showrunners (Kurt for Sons of Anarchy on FX and Tina for 30 Rock on NBC) and I think they are both brunettes that wear glasses. And that is where their similarities end. Tina Fey started out at Second City the famous Chicago improv club. She started young and she worked her way through the comedy television ranks as a writer for SNL and later as the head writer (which is amazing - women comedy writers are in the minority). Now she is the showrunner for 30 Rock, which is hysterical. I am inspired by her humour, her drive and her intelligence. And her glasses, because I rock them too and I like them!

Kurt Sutter is a very different story. He didn't even try to be a TV writer until he was older. He spent a lot of time floundering in different jobs and being wasted. I know nothing about that... wink, winker. He finally realized that writing was what helped him channel all his "stuff" in a healthy way. He doesn't compromise, he writes what he wishes he was watching and he's conquered his demons and uses them to his advantage. That is my greatest hope for myself. I have plenty of demons, after all.

I think that having role models is important. You shouldn't compare yourself to someone else but having a goal and examples of a person that overcame some of the same obstacles I have faced is almost healing. It fills me with hope and drive and excitement for the future.

So thanks Kurt and Tina. You rock. You 30 Rock.

Thematic Elements

I love a good drama. I love a world that is like mine but slightly off-kilter, a world with its own set of rules. My current favorites are House, Sons of Anarchy, Dexter and The Vampire Diaries. And, yes, all of the main characters have, how can we say it nicely? - personality problems. But that is what is interesting. How is House going to solve this case while insulting everyone within earshot? How is Damon going to convince Elena that he loves her while still enjoying the occasional sip of sorority girl? That is just good viewing. The mythology of these worlds and all of the intense conflict that follows is what keeps me tuning in.

I hate a good drama in my real life. Sure, if this craziness was being viewed by a television audience everyone would be on our side and know that we are in the right and that we are the good people. It would just be a matter of which episode will set everything right. Being in the middle of it SUCKS. Not being the author SUCKS. Not having my nephew SUCKS.

My hope for this year is that all of the new drama I experience is confined to the television screen.