Shut Eye...

I never have been able to fall asleep with easily without medicinal assistance. And even with assistance it still takes a while and sometimes the medicine doesn't help at all. And when I say never I literally mean that even as a baby I had a hard time falling and staying asleep, especially at night.

I have tried everything. Anything you think of I have attempted. The only thing I haven't done yet is have a sleep study conducted but, to be honest, I really doubt that I will be able to fall asleep with those things attached to my scalp if I can't fall asleep in my own bed when I am dead tired.

Chronic insomnia is a sign of depression, anxiety and fibro so I hit the no-sleep trifecta. It's not all bad. I get the computer (and hulu or blinkx) all to myself if I want it. Yep, that's the only perk I can think of about my rearranged sleep schedule.

Apparently it is pretty weird for your body to reverse cycle so drastically. I have always been a 3-10am sleeper and I can get away with it because I freelance but lately it has been more like 9am-5pm, which is ridiculous. I miss being a real person. So, I will probably have to try a sleep study and get checked out to make sure there is nothing seriously wrong. I don't think there is but, hey, I watch House and you are always supposed to tell your doctor about weird things like this.

This is the part where you think you have a solution for me but you don't. 28 years of this. I really have tried it all. I've tried staying up, I've tried forcing myself to lay in the dark for hours, I've tried warm teas, I'm tried sound machines, I've tried Ambien, I've tried benadryl, I've tried natural sleep aids, I've tried working extra hard all day long to expend energy, I've tried not eating for four or five hours before bed...

I am just a freak. A very tired freak.

Written by Jen...

Those are my favorite words.

A Happy Rant, For a Change...

I am so happy. It all started 29 hours ago (allowing for daylight savings). I grabbed a book that Steph checked out from the library and, in an effort to avoid doing anything I needed to do, began to read about organizing my life more effectively. Yes, I found it humorous as well.

UNTIL IT CHANGED MY LIFE!

There was a quiz that you take in the beginning to ascertain what "brain style" you have. This isn't a "you're a blue" or a "you're a melancholy" or whatever else they have to segregate your personality. This was specifically meant to show you how your brain reacts to the managing of time and, well, stuff.

I have an Innovating brain style.

And then I read the most eye-opening honest 16 pages about myself. It was crazy because there is a mental me (which sounds awkward) but then there is a action me (also awkward). These are terms I have created for this blog. In my mind I know the exact right way to organize my time and efforts to be the most effective, blah, blah, blah.

But the action me (the one that matters) NEVER follows through.

I spend A LOT of my time, every day, feeling like I am a failure because I just don't get you normal people. I don't get 9-5 jobs, I just don't get how you manage to avoid doodling random story lines for three hours every day, I don't get how you manage to be... normal.

Well, what this book taught me is that I am weird. I am completely different than 80% of the population when it comes to what motivates me to get moving and the way in which I process and prioritize.

And that isn't an excuse but it isn't irrelevant either.

So I am embracing my weirdness instead of fighting (very ineffectively) against it. I am the kid in the classroom that understood what the teacher was saying in 5 mins and then spent the next 45 daydreaming about Matt Damon and the movie I was writing at the time. And then I didn't catch the assignment or the second half of second, more complicated aspect of the lesson.

I am the girl who was crazy awesome at every job because the only way to keep myself from crying from boredom was to give myself impossible goals, which I would reach, much to my delight and surprise. And then I'd be bored again. So I wouldn't go. Almost every employer I have ever had has said a version of this to me at some time, "If you would just come to work regularly you would be a supervisor by now." To which I would... quit. Or just not show up. And get fired. Mostly I quit but I have been fired once or twice.

I am the girl that writes blogs at 2am.

BUT I am also the girl who has a million ideas in my mind at every second of the day. I am the girl that forces herself to keep reading the book she is reading even though she all of a sudden has an idea for an awesome story. Why? Because normal people finish the books they are reading. Normal people doing things in order.

And yet...

Now that I have embraced my non-normalcy I am FREE. I was reading a book last night and randomly thought I should write some articles for work. So instead of wrestling with it I just did it. After five articles I went back to reading. Then I wrote 8 more articles. Then I read another book. I also created a more effective binder for my papers and used clippings from old magazines as labels.

It's great. Now instead of allotting five straight hours for work and then not doing it because it sounds awful I allot an hour and a half. I set the timer and when it dings I give myself an hour for whatever time. And when it dings I go back to work.

It sounds schizo to you I am sure. But I spent 7 hours working today, once it is all totalled and I don't feel like it at all. I feel like I had plenty of random-nothing-thought-percolating time. This is very important to Jen's like me.

I recognize that I am SUPER LUCKY because of the work that I do. I am amazed by people that go to work and classes at regular times. It is literally AMAZING to me.

I am just so happy because I have some pretty big things coming my way and I would be a liar-liar-pants-on-fire if I didn't admit that I have been concerned about my ability to follow through. Turns out I just needed to rewire my ideas about what is productive. It sporadic and insane by I wrote $148 worth of articles in that seven hours instead of avoiding.

I am living my uniqueness, as extreme as it is.

It's bliss that the things you need come to you when you stop fighting who you are.

NEW FAVORITE QUOTE (and then I am done, I swear);

"Do not wish to be anything but what you are, and to be that perfectly." - Saint Francis de Sales

I Know I Just Posted but...

Rabbits are creepy.

Have I already discussed this? I can't recall. Anyway, I finally read Watership Down. Well, like three months ago. I was hesitant to read it because, to be honest, I am not one for the rabbit stories. The Velveteen Rabbit is probably the only one I care for. I used to whisper to Fuzzball that he was real. I'm weird. Well established. Get over it.

But I read it. And I was fascinated. And completely creeped out. Freaky semi-warren bunnies not telling the new rabbits about the traps. That part disturbed me so much I had to read it three or four times. And then I told Steph and weirded her out. And then the crazy General bunny shredding the rabbit's ears when they fell out of line... is the world rabbits live in? I want to adopt a warren rabbit just to save it from the crazies.

Yup. It is 2am and I am thinking about the rabbit book I read three months ago. What did I tell you to do? Get over it.

For the New World is Like Heaven and We'll All Be Rich and Free!

Um, that is the song Caleb is singing at the moment. It's really not all that relevant to what I am going to write but he's cute.

So, I have received all the information. I have processed it and made a logical choice. And I have received confirmation that I am on the right path.

I am moving back.

Crazy, right? I really wasn't expecting that. But I know it is right and I am completely happy and content with the decision. It isn't out of fear or failure or any of that. It is just the right choice for the course my life is taking. I will be super busy in about a year and I will be living somewhere far away. I want to use this year to spend time with my family. Since I work online and will be taking classes online I can be anywhere. So that is where I choose to be.

I realize that I was ranting about not wanting to go back. Because I didn't want to. But I think it was more that I didn't want to feel forced. And I don't. I know I could make it work up here. I know it is my decision. I also know that I am stronger now than I have ever been before and I don't need to worry about falling into old habits and patterns. Because that old way of life holds no appeal for me now.

So, YAY old friends. Sorry new friends. I will still love you, though.

Have You Lost That Loving Feeling?

Woh-oh that loving feeling...

Do you still get crushes? I need you to answer and I'd prefer your answer to be yes so that I can feel less ridiculous. Thanks!

No, really... I get mad-crazy-crushed out on actors and isn't that supposed to be a teenage chick thing? Aren't I supposed to be attracted to stable jobs and reasonable vehicles at this point in my life?

Um, what's it like to be a normal person? I always have this quote from Pleasantville in my head; it suits so many occasions in my life. Tobey Maguire's characters shouts, "You can't stop something that's in side you!"

Well, great, because what's inside of Jen is ALL KINDS OF CRAZY!

Whatever, you love me.

Opportunities to Fail

I have had a ton of opportunities to fail lately. Times when giving up seemed the humane choice, not just the easy one. I have been told by just about everyone that I know and is supposed to be on my side, at one time or another, that things didn't seem to be working. That I was a burden. That I needed to go.

But that isn't the right answer. The answer I keep getting it, "Wait. You don't have all the information. There is more to this decision and it will come with time."

Try telling that to EVERYONE. Nope, I don't know my choice, yet. I have very vague plans. A lot of "if this happens", "if that happens".

I don't do well with rules and authority. Had lots of them both growing up and my nature is quietly rebellious. So when I get a bunch of people telling me what they think I should do my immediate instinct is to do the opposite just to show them that I don't care what they say. Which is dumb, I know. So imagine how difficult it was been lately! The crazy half of me wants to freak out on everyone. But I am keeping it in check because I know, that whichever way the pendulum swings, I am doing the right thing by waiting to be fully informed.

I guess what I am saying is... BACK OFF!