The Wanna's and the Don't Wanna's

I WANNA...

- Go to Vancouver Film School for their super perfect Writing for TV and Film 12 month program. This is one of the tippidy-toppidy schools for learning and getting into the television and film industry. And I love the weather in Vancouver and that I can get all the health care I want with my work/school visa.

- Save money for my sojourn north.

- Be as hot as Jessica Alba. (What, I didn't say the "wanna's" were going to be realistic!)

- Finish my freakin book. I am a SLACKER.

I DON'T WANNA...

- Go back to Tucson. Yeah, it would be cheaper. Yeah, I could save more money. But I'd be in Tucson. I love so many people there but... that place is, to quote Heather, a 'pot-hole'. At least for me it is. I am so afraid I will get stuck. Again. Plus, I love my ward and my friends here. I like my life and who I am here. It is more the person that I really am. I like that no one here judges me on the past because, well, they weren't around for it. It is kind of nice.

- Talk myself out of how excited I am about my new goals. I see how all of the steps I have taken in life have led me to this point and to these realizations. I know they are right for me but I also am the queen of over-analyzing.

- Exercise. It is so painful! But I am going to! Jessica Alba does...

All Hallow's Eve

Round 1: I heart Halloween. Maybe it is the fat kid in me that loves an excuse to have at a pillowcase full of candy (yes, I am from the pillowcase class of trick-or-treaters). Maybe it is that I spend so much of my internal life pretending to be someone else that I relish the opportunity to dress accordingly without fear of mockery. I don't know. I do know that if I were hot enough I would totally be Katherine for Halloween this year (I always like the evil person most). Also, I want the super awesome necklace seen above mostly because it is insanely cool. It is called a vampire bite necklace. It's probably my new favorite thing.

Round 2: I went to Melinda's and watched JK Rowling on Oprah and I am embarrassed by how emotional I got. As someone that hopes to someday be a published writer it was intense to hear a lot of Rowling's confessions about how she felt prior to all the success. I know I won't ever be in the same sphere as her, that isn't the point. I just know what she meant when she said she didn't have a lot of self-belief but she had this one thing. She knew how to tell a story. And that is how I feel EXACTLY. It's not the most important thing in the world but it is what matters to me and it is what I love.

Round 3: I totally believe in magic. Maybe not levitating freaks on TV (Criss Angel, you creep me out) but I believe that magic exists. Loving someone is a form of magic. Music is a form of magic. Beauty and curiosity and life and death... it is all magical. The most magical thing of all though is hope. It gives you strength you would never have thought you had. That is why losing hope is so awful. Of all the things that you can lose, hope can actually break you. That is why I am 28 year old struggling writer that still plans on going to schools and taking chances. Because I will hope for all of my dreams until the last breath fades from my chest. And then I will be rocking out in heaven.

I'm Uppers, I'm Downers...

The title of this post is my favorite quote from Will and Grace, a TV show I never really cared about (but if they made a Jack and Karen show I would watch it religiously!) but it was always on at that weird 9:30-10:30 pm slot when it seems too early to go to bed but you don't want to watch something you might start caring about because that makes wake you up all the way and then you won't be able to fall asleep for hours... does anyone else have this problem? I have been an insomniac since birth so...

Anyway, Karen (Megan Mullally) says it to the janitor she has been seeing (she was pretending to be a maid, he was against the upper class) as she is detailing their many differences. It just always made me laugh. She says something like, "I'm filet mignon, you're peanut butter and jelly. I'm upstairs, you're downstairs. I'm uppers, I'm downers." I don't know... that's the gist.

And it fits my current life.

Everything is all over the place. Horrible things keep happening. Amazing things keep happening. I don't know if I can handle all this crazy frenetic motion. I am literally so sad that I can't speak at least once a day and then so happy that I am giggling with excitement at least once a day. And I am not bi-polar. Everything is so vivid and intense right now. It's frightening.

ALSO... and this incredibly dorky... I had to open a twitter account for my new awesome writing gig and I clicked on the actors I am supposed to do weekly updates on (one neat thing about twitter is that they verify accounts with celebrities so if you are crazy enough to want to stalk them you can stalk the actual them, if they have an account) and, like, two people I actually know. Because I don't care about twitter.

Anyway, I logged on tonight and on my home page was a tweet (it physically hurts me to write that) from Ian Somerhalder. So I was confused. Because your homepage shows updates from people you are following and I am not following him. As beautiful as he is. I just can't be that dorky. I am following Conan O'Brien because he makes me laugh. I might add Kanye West too. He says crazy things.

BUT I am not following Ian Somerhalder. So for two very dorky 11-year old girl seconds I thought... did he tweet me? That sounds weird. Anyway, of course he didn't. Why would he? This is when I learned about retweeting. The chick that I report to for Portrait had retweeted one of his posts. So that is why it showed up on my page.

But, when I posted my update, it went to the top of my page and there we were, next to each other. I'm just saying... he could do worse. He could do a thousand times better, true. But he could also do worse.

Escapism 101

Sometimes life thoroughly sucks.

These are the times when the tried and true methods of escapism can come to the rescue. There is a lot trash talk surrounding the lacking virtues of escapism but I firmly believe that it has a time, place and purpose in this world. Just like disc jockeys. Still, you must be mindful as some forms of escapism (and disc jockeys) often lead to increased suckage.

AVOID:

*Drugs. Trust me.

*Alcohol. Trust David Hasselhoff.

*Random Sexual Partners. Trust Hugh Grant.

*Violence. It is a sweet, sweet release but tends to result in arrest.

PARTAKE IN:

*A New Hair Color.

*A Good Book

*Hot Chocolate

And, obviously...

*

D

A

M

O

N

I feel better already.

TOO MUCH!

Please stop. We don't deserve it and I think that we need a little more space between life lessons. This is too much to take. I used to think that wasn't something that existed but now I know I was very, very wrong. Please. Hurt me more. Take an arm or a leg or my ability to write or see or read or all of them. Just leave her alone. Let her have him back. I deserve decapitation before she deserves any of this. PLEASE!!!!!

Please stop.

I BELIEVE...

That family comes first. Always.

That your natural hair color is just a suggestion.

That a vegetarian/vegan lifestyle is healthiest... and that bacon is delicious.

That God loves me. Why else is there lemonade and carne asada and Ian Somerhalder's face?

People that don't read are less interesting to talk to.

Splashes of color make a much bigger impact than looking like a hot pink leopard from head to toe.

Purchasing cute shoes is the antidote for most boughts of the mini-blues.

Libraries are magical. Bookstores are nirvana.

That the characters in stories really do exist somewhere, especially the ones I love.

That loving too much is a sign of strength, even when it ends up hurting.

Life is too short to try and impress others. Just be who you are because you are impressive enough.

In filling up the shopping card at anthropologie.com even though I know I can't buy any of it. Yet.

In dreaming, whether you are 15, 29, or 72. Never, ever stop dreaming.

In revisiting priorities but never settling. Yes, there is a difference.

In climbing even when it seems easier to fall. You might not reach the top but you'll be much higher than those that have chosen the ground.

Finding the Last Sentence...

I am half dead with my evil kidneys so I am trying to get all my online stuff done before I go back upstairs to completely give up on life.

I have been thinking a lot about the writing process. I am, by nature, a very logical person. This might not ring true to those of you that know me but it is accurate. I love a good manual or guidebook. Organized steps toward any goal are always hoped for. I have bought books on how to do make-up, I have devoured texts on how to write a screenplay, and I could give you at least five different meals plans for five different lifestyles and give you reasons why each one is better than the next.

Unfortunately, life isn't really all that step-by-step friendly. This is where my crazy comes into play. I get so frustrated and disillusioned when things do not go the way that I think they should that I run away and start over. I am trying to resist that urge now but anyway... the reason that this plays into my writing process is as follows...

Everyone and their mother thinks they know that right way to write. I have read plenty of books on how to be an effective writer. I collect suggestions from successful authors that I admire (admiration is key to me - I couldn't care less how Nicholas Sparks writes a book) and I try to implement their suggestions into my schedule. This is a good place for anyone to start.

I have learned, however, that every single writer has a completely different process and to try and mold yourself into anyone else's style or system is counterproductive. My writing process is haphazard at best and I could definitely be more disciplined about when I sit and write it out. That might lead you to believe that I am not dedicated to my story or that I am just floundering from scene to scene. You would be very wrong. I don't like to start a project until I know it will be the best it can be and that is why I fail to start a lot of things. It is not a great personality trait, this perfectionist tendency, and it really makes things that should be easy quite difficult. But even if it takes a week or two for me to get to typing again, please rest assured, I know exactly where Remie is going to end up. It is so clear to me that I can see each character in my mind. I know the very last sentence.

I love the very last sentence.

I guess my point is that I am done trying to find the "right" way to accomplish things. I think that however you manage to accomplish your dreams is the right way. Just soldier on and find your last sentence.